Losing Control
by The Atomic Cafe
Summary: Lily studies the Marauders as she unfolds their layered secrets.


**Losing Control**

By The Atomic Café

Disclaimer: Harry Potter fan fiction is based on the series by JK Rowling. All characters and situations other than my own are the property of the original author.

When the sun broke over the horizon, Lily smiled. She had already been awake for an hour, watching the small rays as they grew and brightened the dark blue sea before her. Dawn was her favorite time of day now that she slept erratically with her child slowly growing inside her. Pulling her blanket tighter around her shoulders, she skimmed the road in front of her. The balcony offered her the perfect view of everything in Godric's Hallow; she could see over the tops of the houses, past the trees, into the snowy banks that lined the area. Everything seemed so pristine, especially this early in the morning. No one would be awake for hours, letting her enjoy the snow without footprints or traces of mud. Her smile widened, and she allowed her eyes to slip closed, giving her some temporary rest that she had been craving.

CRACK! Her eyes flew open as the sound echoed, unstopped by the wind and blanket of snow. She looked around eagerly, not in fear at who it could be, but in expectation of seeing the men she expected.

Sure enough, she was able to make out the outlines of four men in the snow outside. They had Apparated beside the next house over, and she could hear their voices.

"We're in the wrong place," one hissed.

"It's just a short walk -"

"Couldn't have gotten us inside? Cripes -"

"It's your house we're trying to get to anyway!"

Lily smiled to herself again, glad to see that her husband and his three closest friends had made it home safe, even if they were arguing over their ability to Apparate correctly. She skimmed them over again, squinting to identify each. There was Peter in the lead, his wand lit to provide them with enough light to make their way through the deep snow. James and Sirius stood near each other, carefully supporting Remus, who held their shoulders tightly and struggled to dig his feet out of the snow as he took slow steps. The others waited patiently for him, Peter stopping every few feet to let them catch up.

Remus must have said something, his voice soft enough that she couldn't hear, and Sirius answered, "Well, if James had been the one Apparating us -"

"You offered, Pads!" James sounded accusing, but she could hear the laughter in his voice. It was a trait she loved about him. Lily stood to meet them downstairs, but she hesitated and remained sitting.

The boys' escapades were no secret to her. Though none of them had ever spoken to her in detail about it (instead playing it off as variations of bar-hopping, a rough Quidditch game at midnight, dealing with gnomes in Peter's yard, and dealing with Sirius' insane and violent mother), she was aware of what happened when the four of them left for the night and returned in this condition. Being a prefect with Remus and spending more time with him than the others during their years at Hogwarts had made her aware of his disappearances each full moon, and her suspicions didn't ease when she found her husband, Sirius, and Peter joining him once a month and coming back with worn looks on their faces.

When the door opened downstairs, she glanced in through the door behind her to listen for them better. She had learned her lesson about meeting them in the morning when they tried to noisily sneak in. If Remus was conscious, he'd immediately become self-conscious and try to act as though nothing had happened despite the scratches on his face, the obvious limp and exhaustion, and the fact that he rarely had anything on under his robes. If he came in unconscious, the others would try to hide the fact from her as they carefully hid Remus in another room. Though she didn't mind them using the house as their respite after his transformation (in fact, she would be the first one to admit that it made her more comfortable when they returned there each morning), she wished they wouldn't feel the need to be so sneaky about it.

Nonetheless, understanding what was going on made her sympathetic to their efforts. She couldn't imagine how long they must have known and had helped Remus to hide the situation, but they had done an impressive job, at least to an outsider.

"You doing alright?" she heard faintly from downstairs. Though she heard no response, Remus must have been fine because there was then the scraping of chairs followed by the sounds of a door opening and closing. Footsteps became louder, obviously coming up the stairs, and she turned back towards the rising sun before James could enter the room.

"Hey," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissing the top of her head. Lily looked up and smiled at him.

"Morning, sunshine. How was last night's drinking session? Or were you picking gnomes?" Her grin widened as James rolled his eyes. "Was it Sirius' mother? Did you at least say hello for me?"

"You know how it is," James answered, moving in and kneeling to kiss her cheek as he rested a hand on her pregnant belly.

"You mean to say there was a full moon last night?" she asked jokingly. James' hand stopped moving and he had gone pale. Her smile quickly disappeared.

"Don't joke about that." His voice was low as he turned towards the horizon. He sounded weary and sad, but not upset. "It's harder than most people ever care to realize."

The words hit Lily hard, and she put a hand over his. "When are you four going to be able to stop lying to me about what's going on?"

James glanced at her, his face serious. "You can't let him know -"

"That I know," she finished, sighing. "James, I've realized it since we were fifth years. I've suspected it even longer than that. He knows me. He knows I wouldn't ever hate him for it."

"But he doesn't know that you'd be alright with it." When she opened her mouth to protest, he added, "Avoiding hatred and 'being alright with' are different things, and he knows the difference. Hell, Lily, some days he can't even remember that we love him, and we've been there after ever moon since we were twelve."

"I know what it's like out there for him," she whispered, "but it's not that way for him here. Not when he's home."

"He'll tell you when he's ready."

Lily nodded and glanced at James. She felt proud of him to hear him talk like this. At times, it made her laugh to think how much they had grown up. How had such an egotistical prat grown up to care so much about his friends and recognize their feelings? Maybe that part of him had always been there, standing at Remus' side since they were twelve, just hidden from the everyday observer.

"How is he?" she finally asked.

"Not a bad transformation. Sirius and Peter are patching him up and making sure he sleeps. They'll probably be over for a few hours," he added, giving her an apologetic look.

"Always alright," she cut in with a smile. "Some days it feels like I'm raising a house full of teenage boys, but I'd rather you all be here than anywhere else."

"We're just practice." James kissed her stomach. "Harry will be your second round, and you'll already know how to deal with teenage boys while we teach him to be rowdy and messy."

"You have better genes than that to pass on." Lily playfully batted away his face, but James dodged her to lean in for another quick kiss.

"I'm going to check on them."

Lily nodded and watched him stand up and race downstairs. She turned back to the horizon, tracking the sun's progress to tell the time. It had become a delicate balancing game for her; she tried to stay upstairs until she was sure the boys were cleared out and Remus was asleep. At that time, she'd sneak downstairs to prepare breakfast for them all, leaving most of it on the stove for James, Sirius, and Peter to pick up as they desired while she brought in a plate to leave with Remus. She was always sure that the plate she brought in would remain untouched until the other boys returned and ate with Remus, but doing something that small made her feel as though she were helping Remus without having to let him know.

As always, her morning went as expected: the boys left after about an hour, going outside to play Quidditch or chess so their noise wouldn't disturb Remus, and she made her way downstairs and cooked. After finishing her own breakfast, she prepared and plate and slowly opened the door to the guest bedroom, holding her breath as she tried to be as silent as possible.

It was pointless. One look at Remus told her that he was completely unconscious. He looked peaceful, something that clued her into the fact that his mind must have been completely blank; he never looked that calm. The blankets were pulled up to his skin, and she gently pulled them away once she had set down the plate. It was her monthly precaution, checking the bandages under his shirt to make sure that they were on correctly and had not bled through. (She had carefully studied each book she could find on healing spells, but the first month she tried helping him had quickly taught her that no spells helped at all.) Each month, it surprised her less and less to realize that the boys truly put in an effort and there was never a single flaw in their care for him.

Once she was content, Lily pulled his shirt down, hiding the bandages once more. As she pulled the blanket back up, he stirred. Lily held her breath, watching him for a tense moment. He had never woken before while she checked on him, and she feared each month that he would eventually start waking.

Sure enough, a bleary eye inspected her for a moment. He shut them again, and she let out a sigh of relief. By the time she had calmed herself down, Remus snapped his eyes open again and jumped into a sitting position. The movement obviously caught him as off-guard as it had for Lily since he immediately doubled over, his arms wrapped around himself.

"I got hit by a bludger," he explained, eyes tightly shut against the pain.

"Really? James mentioned you had all gone out drinking -"

Remus opened his eyes with some effort. "We played Quidditch after we left the bar," he explained, and Lily found his act so convincing that she thought she would have fallen for it under different circumstances.

"I'm joking." Lily offered an apologetic smile, and Remus met her eyes, looking terrified and confused. It made her feel guilty, and she had to quickly look down. "Well, he does tell me that it's drinking or Quidditch or -"

"Gnomes." His voice sounded forced, and she could hear the fear behind it.

"Those too. I just mean that I understand what's actually going on."

She didn't think it was possible, but Remus' face somehow managed to get paler. He stared at her with wide-eyed anticipation and fear, his overly-bright eyes searching her face desperately. When Lily extended an arm to put on his shoulder, he flinched and moved back a few more inches.

"Did they tell you?" he asked quietly. She couldn't tell if it was out of worry or just that his voice was that hoarse.

"No." Lily rubbed his shoulder gently, and he stiffed under the touch. "I figured it out on my own." Remus opened his mouth and closed it, looking down at the foot of the bed. She began to feel guilty for even coming into his room; his entire body seemed to shake, and the look of terror on his thin, exhausted face made her feel an overwhelming sense of pity. "How long have we known each other?"

"Since... first year."

"And how much time do you think we've spent together since then?"

Remus looked at her from the corner of his eye with the air of an injured puppy. "Quite a bit."

"And how dull do you think I am?" When he opened his mouth, she smiled and put up a hand. "Nevermind. I just mean that you couldn't expect me to go nearly ten years without noticing anything. And I don't mind at all," she added when he opened his mouth again.

"I didn't think you would," he whispered, staring down at his hands.

Now it was Lily's turn to look confused. "Then why did all of you make such a big fuss about hiding it?"

Remus remained silent for a long moment, still staring at his hands. "I'm sure they thought I didn't want you to know. But... we have known each other for so many years, and I know you well enough to realize that you would never treat someone differently based on... on a disease. I thought you'd be angry about James."

"What about James?" Her heart had begun to pound in her chest. What could be the problem with him that Remus would have a part in hiding from her?

"Has - has he told you everything?"

"I'm starting to wonder now." Her eyes narrowed. "What is it with James?"

Remus laughed quietly and blew out a breath of air. His hands were shaking still, and she could tell that much of it had to do with exhaustion. As little as she wanted to keep him awake like this, she couldn't let the subject rest.

"I thought you'd be worried to know about... about us, but I guess he's told you already."

"'Us'?" Lily stared uncomprehendingly at him, trying to search his face for a clue. "Unless you're sleeping with my husband, I'm lost."

Remus did laugh now, looking thoroughly amused before he descended into a coughing fit. Lily pressed a hand against his back, helping him to remain upright as his body shook. Once the coughing died down, he gripped her wrist tightly, eyes still closed. Taking the hint, Lily helped him to lie down, making sure he fell onto the pillows.

"I know you're tired," she whispered, "but I'd really like to know what's going on with James."

"Didn't think you'd like knowing that he runs around with a werewolf," he answered quietly, a ghost of a smile on his face.

Lily leaned back, still confused. How would her not caring that he was a werewolf be any different from her not caring that James was friends with him? Why would Remus even refer to himself as being anything other than himself? He wasn't just a werewolf, he was a person -

"Does he stay with you when you're transformed?" she asked slowly. The idea seemed ludicrous, but Remus nodded. Her hands had begun shaking, and she gripped a corner of the blanket to try to stop them. Things began falling into place: the bruises she noticed on his chest just after a full moon, the cuts and scratches...

"Is James a werewolf?" Her voice sounded so low that she was surprised that Remus could even hear her.

He met her eyes, his face filled with fear again. Already, Lily could feel tears pressing behind her eyes, and she covered them with his hands, not ready to begin sobbing in front of Remus. How could James have hidden it from her for so long? Why did he think he had to? If he was a werewolf, how had he been able to hide his injuries so much better than Remus? Of course, Remus had always been fragile, but she assumed it was because -

"He's not a werewolf," Remus finally said, swallowing. "There's no way I'd be about to walk into this house and look at either of you if I had done that to him. I don't even think I could live with myself if I inflicted that."

Lily dropped her hands, and the tears were already rolling down her cheeks. "What?" she asked sharply.

"I didn't think James would want me to let you know that he's an Animagus."

"He's not." For the third time since entering the room, she felt confusion hit her like a brick. "I'd know if he was -"

"How?"

She considered for a moment and began to realize that, no, she wouldn't know he was. Not unless he said something to her, which he wouldn't if he were trying to hide it. But why hide -

"Why hasn't he told me?"

Remus shrugged, wincing at the movement. "I think he thought you'd worry about him. We all... we all get pretty beaten up during the moon."

No doubt about it. Lily felt herself relax as a wave of relief came crashing into her. She met Remus' eyes, seeing the relief in his face as well. Secrets off of everyone's chest.

"Are you going to be alright?" she asked quietly, smoothing the blanket over his chest.

"Don't let your maternal hormones be wasted on me." Remus smiled, and Lily couldn't help but return it. "I'm fine. Just a lot of soreness during the morning after. I'll be up in a few hours if you don't mind me taking up a bed for a little while."

"I never mind. It's always nice to know that all of you are safe."

"Lily..." She turned and saw the look of desperation in his eyes. "I can't control what I do when - when I'm transformed, but they swear I've never hurt any of them. They're safe when they're animals, but - I swear I'll never -"

"Relax." She pressed a hand onto his forehead, feeling the burning skin below, then smoothed his hair away from his face. It seemed to calm him slightly. "I trust you more than you know." Remus nodded, and she smiled as she continued to stroke his hair.

As Lily watched Remus close his eyes, ready to fall asleep again, the door creaked open. She didn't need to turn to know that the three men were trying to quietly enter.

"Lily?" James tried to feign surprise as though trying to convince Remus that this was the first time Lily had ever visited him in the room. "What are you doing here?"

"James Potter." She turned slowly, giving him a small smile. From the rustle of sheets behind her, she knew Remus was sitting up to watch them. "You have a lot of explaining to do."


End file.
